Start with yourself
What you can
already do.
The programme where you actually practise the five things from chapter 5 is one we still have to build. At launch you’ll find exercises for everyday life here, conversations you can have at home or with friends, and ways to show that you’re in.
Until then, there’s no need to wait. Others are already doing good work, and you can use it today.
As soon as tonight
Three things that need no programme.
The programme is still being built. These three don’t have to wait for it, and together they take you less than half an hour.
Text one man
Someone you haven’t really spoken to in a while. “How are you actually doing?”
If a real answer comes back, you don’t have to fix anything. Listening is enough.
Skip one laugh
Next time a joke goes too far: say nothing, just don’t laugh along.
No row, no lecture. And the next man with doubts knows he isn’t the only one.
Say one thing you’d normally swallow
“I’m not doing great lately.” Five words, to your partner, your brother, your mate.
What you swallow comes out later anyway. Usually at the wrong moment, at the wrong person.
When you see something happen
The five ways to step in.
Saying something doesn’t have to turn into a row. The organisation Right To Be developed five ways you can use on their own or together. They’re built not to make things worse, and you choose what feels safe in the moment.
Interrupt it without naming it. Ask for directions, drop something, start a chat. You turn to the person it happens to, not to the other one.
Bring someone in: the barman, a doorman, a colleague, a bystander. You don’t have to do it alone.
Film it, but only if someone else is already helping. Give the footage to the person it happens to, and never post it yourself.
Over before you could act? Ask afterwards anyway. "Are you okay?" That way the other person knows it really happened, and that it wasn’t okay.
Say something, briefly. "Come on, knock it off." Nothing more, so no debate. Only do this if you feel safe.
Right To Be runs free training on this, with short videos showing each way. In Dutch, Stop Straatintimidatie explains what you can do as a bystander, and why people so often just stand and watch.
Know a video that belongs here? Email echtmannelijk@wearenami.com.
Where to turn
Ben je oké? (Are you OK?)
The campaign by knowledge centre Rutgers. If you see someone being harassed, ask them that one question. Their research shows it works: you accuse no one, you don’t put yourself at risk, and the other person knows they aren’t on their own.
Emancipator
The Dutch organisation that has worked on boys and men the longest and the most specifically. They run workshops and training at schools and companies, and work with volunteers who take it on together. If you want a concrete next step, that’s where it starts.
A men’s group
There are groups across the country where men help each other. From talking groups to groups for men who want a grip on their anger. Often anonymous, and without judgement. See what there’s near you.
When it goes wrong
Worried about someone, or about yourself? Veilig Thuis (Safe at Home) is free and reachable day and night on 0800 2000, anonymously too, and also if you only want advice. Thinking about suicide? Call 113 or 0800 0113, day and night.
Small things become big things
An interactive quiz from knowledge centre Rutgers about inappropriate sexual remarks. You follow the story of Fleur and Yip and see how small jokes and comments add up to something big for the person it happens to. A good starting point for a conversation with friends or colleagues.
Act4Respect
The national expert network of Atria, Rutgers and COC on preventing sexual misconduct and (ex-)partner violence. Among other things they developed the guide "De piramide van geweld" (The pyramid of violence) and they offer training for professionals working with young people and young adults.
Know an initiative that belongs here? Email echtmannelijk@wearenami.com.
Two videos that show it
Short, and they do what text can’t: you see it happen. The video only loads when you click it.
Help and advice
You don’t have to be in a crisis to knock on a door.
These people are there for exactly this. It costs you nothing, and you don’t have to justify anything.
- Immediate danger
- 112
- Worried about yourself or someone else
- Veilig Thuis, 0800 2000 · free, day and night. Anonymous too, and also if you just want to talk it through.
- Thinking about suicide
- 113 or 0800 0113 · day and night. You can chat too, via 113.nl.
- After sexual assault or rape
- Centrum Seksueel Geweld (Centre for Sexual Violence), 0800 0188 · also if it was years ago.
- Just want to talk to someone
- de Luisterlijn (listening line), 088 0767 000 · nothing has to be wrong.
Recognise something of yourself in this story?
Then you see it in time, and that’s exactly the point where something can still be done. Call Veilig Thuis and simply say you’re worried about your own behaviour — that’s what they’re there for too. Your GP can refer you to forensic mental health care, where the clinicians see this every day and won’t bat an eye.
That isn’t a confession. That’s stepping in before it goes wrong.
Are you the one who is afraid of someone else?
Including when that someone is your partner and you’re a man yourself. It happens more often than most people think, and there’s help: Veilig Thuis will think it through with you, and there are shelters for men.